T.S. Tuesday

Another favorite stanza from "East Coker:"

"You say I am repeating
Something I have said before. I shall say it again.
Shall I say it again? In order to arrive there,
To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,
You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.
In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession.
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not."

Again, I love the paradox. The contrasts. The upside down culture and kingdom mentality.

The line that changed things for me: "In order to arrive at what you are not, you must go through the way in which you are not." This line speaks to me when I'm stuck. When I can't imagine an alternative ending. When I can't see past what I currently am and all of the assets and limitations I possess. But God is so much bigger. His endings are so much better. And they require me becoming what I am not, through a way in which I am not, by dying to myself and to what I know.

Meet the Matchmakers

The biggest lie I tell myself is that I’m alone. That people don’t understand me and I have to figure out everything myself.

Even as I write about my love story with God, I’m tempted to make it all about me. The revelations I had. The ways he’s working in me.

I forget the oh-so-tiny-detail that I wouldn’t be where I am today, wouldn’t be learning what I’m learning today, if it weren’t for the many, many matchmakers in my life who have pointed me to the God of love and grace.

I like to pretend that I figure things out on my own. But the truth is I have a lot of friends and mentors who help me discover not only more of who God is, but more of who God has created me to be.

My life is rife with mentors, and I am so grateful. I still keep in touch with mentors from college, past professors, my mom, even my friends’ moms.

These people have spoken such love and grace into my life. They have given me examples of what it means to question. What it means to care. They are the matchmakers in my love story with God. They are the matchmakers in a growing love story with myself.

They are the people from my church who told me to bask in God’s love long before I even believed true love existed. They are the people who model good relationships, loyalty and dedication, communication and confrontation.

These matchmakers showed me it was possible to love God and be angry with God at the same time. They showed me it’s okay to have a meltdown. It’s okay to question.

They showed me that I mattered. They modeled God’s unconditional love for me. They helped me identify ways God was moving, even when I wasn’t in a place to put what I experienced into words. They taught me to fight the barrage of self-hatred in my head and to build on the good in my own life.

And because of their care and encouragement, I began to feel like I could be friends with God. And, maybe, he wanted to be friends with me.

And like any good love story, this friendship grew into something so much deeper and mysterious. It grew into love.

Today I’d like to thank and acknowledge the many matchmakers in my life who have helped me experience God’s love, listened to me cry and question, and set me up with the God of my dreams.

Thank you.

Today I Will...

....allow that which is inside of me to stream out of my colorful fingertips.